I just turned 21 in Germany. I watched the clock change. Should I feel different? Should I be at a bar? I'm in my room, curled up in the corner on pillows and blankets, feeling reflective. I do feel old; often, in fact. Mainly I feel old when I pause to consider it. When I'm in motion, I'm not really old... Nor young, I suppose - more ageless. Time doesn't effect you unless you sit still and let it. Or rather, you only notice it when you are still. But time passes, regardless of your state of motion --opportunities come and go; have I made use of the ones that have come my way? What have I accomplished, what have I done, effected? How well have I matured myself thus far? How well have I expanded?
I don't want to doubt myself, my actions, the outcomes -- I want to be able to look at myself and at where I am and what I am doing and believe, wholeheartedly, that I'm on the right track. I suppose that's the idea behind fate -- making oneself irresponsible for how he/she turns out. I want to excel, to push myself further, and yet, at the same time, I want to allow myself some more slack. I want to let myself relax, take a break, and have it be perfectly okay. A constant contentment with myself, no matter whether I'm pushing limits or taking it easy. I'll have to work on that, I suppose.
Happy birthday, Jessie.
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