Senior year - what?Portland, Oregon

So, I am now back in Portland, attending Lewis and Clark (properly) for the first time in 3 semesters... and they think I'm graduating this year. I mean, it must be a joke - I've only had 3 semesters of real school (by which I mean, on campus), and then 3 semesters of self-development and travel, and now they think I'm a senior. It's simply ludicrous.

But, silly confusion of my school's administrators aside, it's... interesting to be back. I'd say it's good to be here, and that would be true, but only a partial truth. In actuality, it's disorienting and hectic and stressful and exciting and draining and uplifting all at once. First off, unlike 95% of the students here, I had one month of vacation time, instead of the typical four months. Second, schoolwork is a daily actuality here - hundreds of pages of reading per week (200 for just one of my classes), frequent quizzes and papers and homework... quite a difference from the lackadaisical academia of Chile and the paper-based classes in Germany. On top of the schoolwork, I'm working on preserving (or in some cases, probably still developing) literacy in 3 languages, and on preparing myself for a successful entrance into the "real world" in less than eight months.

Less than eight months. That number seems so impossible to me, when eight months ago I was running across Europe with Jay, and eight months before that, getting my heart broken for the first time in Chile. Time is elusive and relative, if not entirely random (or a creative figment of our collective imagination). Regardless of this, they say that at the end of this year, I'm an educated adult and must therefore secure work or go about seeking to find someone to fund my perpetual education. As years of graduate school does not sound like paradise after my experience in Germany, I'm going with the theory that my resume needs some serious work. To this effect, I'm working 13 hours/week in the on-campus cafeteria, volunteer-managing the swim team, leading discussion groups in first- and second-year German classes, (hopefully) tutoring Spanish and German students, and working on developing a nice honors thesis for German.

This is on top of my four other classes. Theoretically, I will have a light class load next semester, allowing me the time to (a) really concentrate on my thesis and (b) finding a local internship related to my desired field of work. In the meantime, I should probably consider what that field is.... For now, it's all I can do to keep up with my schedule of classes and meetings and deadlines and practices, eating and exercising when I have free time. It's pretty crazy, but it's also so very RIGHT. I'm liking my classes again. I'm inspired to work for them, to care about my education.... And it's such a relief to find that I still have the ability to care, that I'm happy to push myself to keep it.

I was thinking today how strongly I've been influenced by my participation on the swim team in my first years here - despite never being one of the true competitors (that is to say, not one of the ones who was breaking records or placing well in meets), I always pushed myself and those around me to do their best... To finish the set, despite being behind, to test our own limits. I'm thrilled to find that I'm doing that now, as second nature, without even trying. And what's more, I'm succeeding. Yes, there are concessions, and times when I have to admit that I'm not up a specific challenge, but I'm constantly pushing myself, refusing to allow that bit of boredom (or in some cases, exhaustion) preclude me from finishing my reading for the next day, refusing to slack off at work, refusing to drop off the swim team completely (though I'm physically not up to the challenge anymore), refusing to do shoddy work when I can do better.

This is where I was going sophomore year. This is where I was afraid I'd never be again after Germany. And this is where I am now. Where I'll be in a week, I couldn't say. Quite possibly burning out just a few weeks into the semester, but very likely still loving it.

Pushing limits - I think my parents used to be upset about my inclinations to do this, but perhaps just because I was pushing theirs and not mine. Expanding my own boundaries, testing my abilities, endurance, and dedication... I love that LC inspires me to do this. And right now, where I am, I'm feeling amazingly content with my life. Despite having no idea where I'll be in eight months, and despite having a very imposing to-do list to still complete tonight, and despite having a lot of research to do this week, every time I pause (be it only for a moment), I'm struck by how really happy I am here.

Admittedly, much of this may have to do with Jay, who is serendipitously living right down the hall, or with the euphoria of being "back in my element" or with my re-discovery of the joys of a free gym/swimming pool, or with the gloriously sunny weather.

...But that doesn't really matter, I don't think. The point is, I'm thrilled to be here, doing what I'm doing. So, yay life. Now to read some German, some Spanish, some history, and to scour some German newspapers.

I leave you, therefore, with a quote that's been running itself through my head recently. And, although the song is in many ways depressing, I find this particular section inspiring and uplifting:

"These things we do to keep the flame burnin
And write our fire in the sky
Another day to see the world turnin
Another avenue to try."
-"Luck of the Draw" by Bonnie Raitt

Much love to everyone (here's to hoping that it's contagious).