The worse period of learning the language is the quiet stage. I don't know how other students learn languages, but my language acquisition process has rather predictable stages:
(1) Introduction to the language - quite incompetent in conversation, but proud of one's abilities to insert a word from the new language into an otherwise-English sentence.
(2) Familiarity with language - Starting to obtain an ear for the language, feeling comfortable with the basic vocabulary and grammar, speaking with confidence in the new language.
(3) A bit more study - Begin to realize that there are many grammatical rules that have NOT been fully absorbed. Begin to second-guess self and speech is very choppy and insecure.
(4) Quite a bit more study, plus contact with native speakers - Now positive that one's grammar and accent is downright awful. Avoiding speaking at all costs, and when forced to speak, unconfident to the point that all (or most) basic grammatical and vocabulary skills are lost.
(5) Realization of just how hopeless the situation is - Sick of being quiet all the time, and resigned to the fact that one will simply sound funny for quite awhile, start to speak more frequently with native and non-native speakers.
(6) Natural flow of words - Comfortable with language in speech and writing. Thinking and dreaming in the language. Although the accent is still not perfect and there may be some grammatical mistakes, on the whole competent and able to function fully in the new language.
(7) ???
Okay, I don't know what happens at number 7 because I'd say I'm at a 6 with Spanish. I think you get a perfect accent and a contract with "Brujas" (a Chilean soap opera) next, but I could be mistaken. I felt somewhere between 4 and 5 (almost out of 4) when I went to Chile, and I remember the frustration at myself for the first week or so when I didn't want to speak with native speakers in Chile. Currently, I'm at around a 3 or a 4 in German and just about ready to pull out all my hair.
I want to communicate! I have too many thoughts and ideas and opinions that I want to share in class or when we're speaking German outside of class. I understand the vast majority of the conversations that are going on around me, but I do not feel able to participate, and it is so frustrating. I am NOT without opinions. I am NOT silent. And I am not nearly as rude or dumb (in either sense of the word) as my floormates must surmise from my monosyllabic answers to most of their questions.
It's humiliating to hear myself talk and I don't want to seem completely anti-social (partly, yes, but not entirely). I most of all miss being able to express a sense of humor and play with the language. I can do this in English. I can do this with some people in Spanish. I am hopeless in German. That's the fun of speech, of language, of banter. It's tiring to function in another language without having this aspect.
It's tiring to have to strain to pay attention to what should be a simple conversation. It's obnoxious to have to piece contexts and sentences together instead of just understanding what someone says because my vocabulary is limited. And it's lonely not to be able to communicate. I have to hold back too much of what I'm thinking (which is interesting; I suppose I'm more vocally expressive than I thought).
And it's strange, but I'm not functioning in any given language. I switch back and forth between thinking in Spanish, English, and inarticulate German (yes, I have ineloquent thoughts when I am thinking in German). But I can't seem to have any language coordination between my mouth and my mind. I think in Spanish when trying to speak German. I think in German when trying to speak English or German. I think in English...well, only after reading, writing, or hearing a lot of English. Otherwise I seem to default to a language in which I am less competent. Academic masochism, perhaps?
Ah, speaking (writing) of academic masochism, I pulled my first all-nighter in over six months the other night. We had two tests in one day and the vocabulary simply was not sticking in my mind from the previous studying, so I just kept studying and turning flashcards until they did. That rolled right into the beginning of the test, so no sleep was had. I definitely never had to study this much in Chile, although all-nighters were pretty common at LC (thank you, swimming schedule). Up until naptime, which occurred immediately after my second test, I felt really good. I got my second wind at about 3 in the morning, after which I was able to appreciate the effort I was putting into it, satisfied with the fact that I was once again studying enough to disturb my sleep schedule. I don't know that this makes sense to anyone, but I really missed having to exhaust myself from the amount of work I had. Pushing boundaries, I suppose. Academically, Chile didn't make me do that. Staying up late was tied to salsa dancing or arguing with Stephanie's brother's friends, but not to studying.
On the other hand, I think I may have a subconscious theory that if I mentally beat myself up about this enough, the language will come faster. I know it is futile to want to push myself more and I'll just burn out.... But it's so darn frustrating to not be competent in this language.
On a more positive note, I'm looking at classes for next semester...no one but me really cares about this, so you can just skip this paragraph if you want. I'm planning on taking (1) Sprachkurs A, a continuation of the grammar class that I'm in now; (2) Culture and Civilization (German, obviously); (3) Japanese 1 for no credits because although I may get away with Korean, there is no way LC will let me have credit for Japanese. This means I don't have to put in effort for a good grade; just get an introduction to the language... (4)Introduction to German morphology, (5) German semantics, and (6) Current trends in Argentinean movies. The last is in Spanish and I'm really excited about it. I'm also excited for the linguistic and grammar courses... Really for everything but Culture and Civilization because I'm pretty sure there will be date-memorization involved in the tests and I'm time-stupid. If you told me that World War I brought about the French Revolution, I would be very insecure in saying that the French Revolution was at least a decade earlier (1789 and 1914. I know.) This was a bad example because these dates were on one of our tests and I had to spend many hours committing the numbers to memory. See all-nighter paragraph. Generally, though, I'm quite date-ignorant.
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